When Pat Willard was half dozen, her older cousins wouldn't let her join in their game. She pitched a fit, and someone snapped a photo of the moment: She's screaming—face flushed, eyes airtight—and her male parent has his arms and legs wrapped around her, holding her so she won't hurt herself.

"I was this little spitfire with an Irish temper," says Willard, now 47, and director of communications at the Metropolis University of New York. "Just tantrums didn't fit well with the good-girl thing. They were not genteel." Instead, her mother'due south silent fury became her model for acrimony. When her mom got mad, she turned dead tranquillity, not speaking for days. "She would not say why she was angry," says Willard. "But the house got black."

And then Willard learned, as countless women have, to hide her temper. By the time she was in her 30s, she had loftier blood force per unit area, headaches, rashes, depression, difficulty parenting two young sons, and a troubled marriage. Only it never occurred to her to think of herself as angry. Rather, she thought she was a bad mom and a stifled married woman. Depression, not anger, was the red flag that hustled her into therapy.

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Willard's story isn't unusual: Many women, different most men, tend to limited their anger indirectly, enquiry finds, and the result can exist depression, eye disease, or an earlier death, regardless of the cause. Unfortunately, blowing upward has health consequences as well. So what's a pissed-off adult female to practice? If yous larn to release hostility in a controlled and constructive way, you will add years—and satisfaction—to your life.

Squashing Emotion

Why do women struggle with anger? Many learned to bury feelings from their mothers and grandmothers, whose silences protected marriages that were their livelihoods. They couldn't risk behavior that might become them booted out of the house. As Willard'south female parent believed, anger turned you into a fishmonger screaming in the streets.

"Feeling the emotion meant they'd be tempted to show it," says Deborah Fifty. Cox, PhD, an acquaintance professor of counseling at Missouri State University and coauthor of The Acrimony Advantage. Many simply stopped experiencing anger as anger: It became depression or frustration, emotions safer to express.

Although younger women may believe they're comfortable being believing, when it comes to anger, they still struggle, says psychologist Sandra Thomas, PhD, chair of the PhD program in nursing at the University of Tennessee, where she has been studying women and anger for 15 years. "A college woman, for case, may exist freer with profanity, but she is still reluctant to tell her young man she'due south angry if she thinks an outburst volition drive him abroad," says Thomas.

Paying Anger's Price

Merely hiding acrimony may be far more costly than losing a relationship: Final twelvemonth, a study by Cox and others revealed that women who deal with anger indirectly or attempt to suppress it are—as Willard was—more than likely to experience depression, feet, and physical complaints than women who are more direct.

Such suppression may fifty-fifty be deadly. Last February, Wisconsin epidemiologist Elaine D. Eaker, ScD, and colleagues from Boston University announced the findings of a decadelong study of ane,500 married women. Those who suppressed feelings of any kind—anger, depression, frustration—during conflicts with their spouses were four times more than likely to die of all causes during the 10-year follow-upwards than those who spoke up. "Being repose may or may not protect your marriage," says Eaker, "but you certain aren't doing your health any adept by being silent."

Eaker'southward research comes on the heels of other studies linking suppressed acrimony to cardiac problems, high blood pressure, headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and cancer. In a notable study from 2003, researchers at Columbia University did emotional screenings on more than 300 eye-aged women with coronary heart disease: 50% were angry and 37% were depressed.

Overeating, drinking, and smoking may exist linked to anger that women shove under the rug. Cox's inquiry has likewise turned upwards evidence of suppression in those who abuse alcohol. True to form, Willard'southward mother drifted into alcoholism as her angry silences escalated over the years. A 2003 British report constitute that women with eating disorders tended to squelch acrimony. Kathy Parks, a xl-year-erstwhile financial planner in Knoxville, TN, recalls that in her youth, she stuffed downward her rage past overeating. "That'due south why I weighed 200 pounds in loftier schoolhouse," she says. "I felt frustrated and hopeless."

Women choking back fury are often the ones tossing and turning at night, as well, ruminating over what they wish they'd said during an incident, stoking the internal fires. "Anger is an energy," says Thomas. "If it's not expressed, your heart rate and blood pressure ascent; your breadbasket acids churn." Acrimony triggers a fight-or-flight reaction: Adrenaline and other stress hormones rise, breathing rate increases, and muscles tighten. Your body revs up, and when acrimony is chronic, information technology stays revved.

Finding Subconscious Rage

"Anger'south shadows are everywhere," says Cox. "If you lot don't recollect yous are aroused, look at other parts of your life." Do you eat or drink too much and then regret it? Are y'all a perfectionist who has to exist on elevation of things, who has no other life simply looking perfect, existence just-right thin, and working hard without ever relaxing? And how's your sex life? Is sex painful?

A 2002 report by Sally Stabb, PhD, an associate professor of counseling psychology at Texas Adult female's University and co-writer with Cox of The Acrimony Reward, establish that women who repress their anger have more critical feelings about their bodies and more negative physical experiences—like hurting—during sex activity.

But the biggest clue to subconscious acrimony in women is oft depression, says psychologist Dana Jack, EdD, a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Fairhaven College/ Western Washington Academy and author of Backside the Mask: Destruction and Creativity in Women'due south Aggression.

"If a woman is unaware of her anger or thinks information technology's bad, she can float from anger direct to depression," Jack says. "I often suggest to women that every time they see their mood collapse, they chart what happened merely before, and it's usually that they got aroused. But we experience similar we're forbidden to feel that, so instead we become depressed."

Even if you blow up from time to time, y'all tin can't presume that you're not a suppressor. Cox and her colleagues divide suppressors into iv types:

Container She knows she'southward angry only chooses to concur it in and hopes it volition blow over. Almost of us are containers at least some of the time.

Internalizer She blames herself for whatever happens to her, absorbing the anger she really feels almost other people. She'southward often full of self-loathing.

Segmenter She denies her anger in part considering she finds it an ugly trait. She tends to be passive-aggressive, another manner women reroute or disguise anger, says Jack. "For example, you say you'll do something and and then not exercise it. Or yous may switch targets, feeling fury at your husband but getting mad at your kids instead." This is the type that most alarms Cox, who notes, "If you don't even realize you're angry, it'due south very difficult to do something near it."

Externalizer She contains her acrimony until she simply explodes, usually at people who are less powerful than she is. "Some women swing from silence to ambitious anger," says Jack. "But just interim out doesn't assistance. That creates guilt and shame and reinforces the notion that anger is bad."

Actually, this aggressive, explosive acrimony—throwing things, screaming—commonly causes more frustration, says Jack. "It'south indirect because y'all're not talking about the problem that acquired the anger. And exploding can make a woman feel more powerless because it rarely changes anything." In Cox'southward study, externalizers had the about physical symptoms, including headaches, tum problems, and upper respiratory infections.

"But in that location is no i pure blazon," says Thomas. "You may be a adult female who explodes at domicile merely never at piece of work. Or 1 who could never show anger to your mother but can to your kids." Parks, for case, always saw herself as someone who had difficulty hiding her emotions. "If I'thousand upset, information technology's evident," she says. Even so she wrapped anger in sarcastic comments that never improved her relationships with others. Another conceal: turning the anger against yourself. "Yous're a rubber target," says Jack.

Releasing the Beast

Aiding u.s. in all this subterfuge is defoliation about acrimony itself. "Many women remember anger is a bad thing, and if they are angry, something is wrong with them," says psychiatrist Jean Bakery Miller, Doc, managing director of the Jean Baker Miller Preparation Institute at the Rock Middle in Wellesley, MA, where she researches women and anger. "But anger is an emotional reaction indicating that something is wrong and that something needs to exist done."

In fact, women'south acrimony unremarkably centers on their most intimate relationships--their husbands, their mothers, their best friends, says Thomas, who has interviewed both men and women extensively about their anger. "Acrimony for women is intermingled with hurt and pain because they cannot understand how a person they are close to could behave a certain way. We never, e'er interviewed a woman who didn't mention her partner. Never." Withal men tend to focus on other parts of their lives, like cars and politics, she says. They tell stories of vehicles that are lemons, or computers that don't work, or politicians who are louses.

A adult female'southward focus on intimate relationships may likewise increase her vulnerability to anger'southward ravages. According to Timothy Due west. Smith, PhD, a psychologist studying anger, spousal relationship, and centre wellness at the University of Utah, angry women married to angry husbands confront a twofold striking. He's found that not but does their own anger raise center rate and blood pressure level, just their aroused spouses also up their stress, increasing heart risk even more.

These aren't happy facts for long-suffering women—they may make our blood boil a bit more than. Only we don't accept to rid ourselves of acrimony. That'southward just not going to happen, nor would nosotros want information technology to. "Anger can be a healing force," says Jack. "And learning to limited it appropriately tin exist positively transforming. Information technology can requite yous backbone. Or infinite in your human relationship for your feelings. Or it tin can aid you lot leave. The goal is to use anger constructively."

The first step toward using anger well is to assess how you deal with it now. Afterwards all, we could all benefit from agreement and managing our anger better. But that takes a bit of introspection and practice. Below are suggestions that can assistance you become started. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist if you take symptoms that are perchance related to suppressed anger, such as depression, headaches, stomachaches, or recurrent colds, or if you feel hopeless or isolated.

Embracing Your Fury

Examine your acrimony roots.You can't learn to express anger until yous know how you feel it at present and where that style originated. Ask yourself how your parents got angry. Were y'all immune to lose your atmosphere, or were y'all punished for it? Once Willard understood that her ain silence, ill wellness, and human relationship woes were the legacy of her mother's anger, information technology also became clearer what patterns she had to pause. "I had to learn to say how I felt," she says.

Try a practice session.If you're a suppressor, chances are that expressing your anger feels pretty awkward. Jack suggests practicing with friends before you speak with the person you're mad at.

Share the acrimony.Talk about the anger you feel, with the goal of solving a specific problem. If you're angry with your spouse or someone close to you, talk calmly with that person about your pattern of acrimony. "Look at how anger works in your relationship," says Jack. "If y'all take a hubby who is going to escalate the anger, tell him that his anger silences you lot, that you tin't communicate your feelings because you lot know he'll go ballistic."

Willard would get so angry that she couldn't speak. "But my married man, who had gone into therapy, too, helped me observe a vocabulary," she says. "He would sit down down with me and say, 'Let's become through the situation.' We started going back and along about the words, talking about how you lot share your displeasure."

Put pen to newspaper. Writing about your anger helps you acknowledge and begin to understand it, says James Due west. Pennebaker, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas. "Inquire yourself in writing what makes yous angry in a sure situation or toward a certain person. That process helps undermine the anger both psychologically and physiologically." Thomas as well suggests that women go along a periodical, reflecting on incidents they feel aroused about. "Women oft get confused during an angry episode because it's so distressing and they find themselves thinking afterward, What started that? But if yous keep a tape for a calendar month of angry incidents with a specific person, for example, you will begin to see recurring themes. Once you've calmed down, you lot can talk to that person well-nigh the acrimony in a clearer manner."

Managing the Argument

Calm your body."If you're aware you're aroused, stop and inquire, What do I demand to do about this?" advises Stabb. "Taking time to calm down is important because information technology gives you lot time to process the information your emotions are telling you."

Stick to specifics.Instead of offset by hurling accusations and cries of "Yous always exercise this," talk only about the specific incident that angered you, suggests Thomas. "Let's say your husband is 45 minutes late to run into y'all. Begin past saying, 'We were supposed to encounter at 7 and you came at seven:45. I'm actually angry and I want to talk to you lot nigh this.' Then state a consequence: 'Next fourth dimension, I won't wait.' Country the anger clearly and make sure you follow through."

Larn to listen.Part of processing acrimony is existence able to heed to another person's feelings too as expressing your ain, says Stabb. "You lot can acknowledge his anger without like-minded past saying something similar, 'I know that you take a different point of view from mine, only this is my point of view and this is why I feel angry.'" Acknowledging some other's anger makes it more than probable he'll accept yours.

Have an acrimony suspension.Don't look to overhaul a state of affairs or your anger all at once, says Miller. "If you feel, for instance, that your spouse begins to hear you, and then at least something is moving. Talk for 20 minutes and so accept a intermission."

Ultimately, such practices work. As Willard found words for her anger, her depression lifted, her health issues abated, her self-esteem rose, and her marriage righted itself. She still has plenty of acrimony, but she reacts differently. Recently, she left work depressed about the disrespect she felt from ane of her immature male employees. But that evening she idea about how to handle the situation, wrote down the points she wanted to make, so scheduled an early-morning meeting with him. "Nosotros notwithstanding need to piece of work on things, but it was the beginning of his understanding that I'yard the boss. And I'thousand happy virtually that. Here I am in my late 40s, and I've finally grown up."

A Day in Anger Hell

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Solution Middle-of-the-night ruminations hitting when you're not but angry but unhappy with the way you're treatment a situation. Then you relive a scene, seething afresh each fourth dimension. Next fourth dimension, get up and write most it. People who toss and turn are most likely to benefit past exploring the issue in writing. Ask, Why am I feeling the style I am? What is it most this state of affairs and this person that's getting to me? What is it almost me that made me so angry nigh this? That defuses the rage.